Do you ever look in a full body mirror and think that you are not pretty enough or think that you don't see what other people see when they call you beautiful?
Yes, I used to all the time.
I used to walk around and think to myself that I was ugly because my body was not shaped like I wanted it to be. I dreamed of getting a Brazillian butt lift and a tummy tuck because all I wanted was a bigger butt and a flatter stomach. My thoughts were that if I had a bigger butt, my stomach wouldn't look so big; or, if I had a little bit more hips, I wouldn't be so square. I wanted that so badly because everywhere I looked, there were pretty hourglass bodies all over the TV--and that is all people talked about. All of the cute boys in my school wanted the pretty girls with the pretty bodies… So I tried. I tried waist trainers (I used to wear them all the time). But then, all of my back fat would pop out at the top and make me just look just a little bit thinner in the waist but heavily bloated from my breasts and above. Plus, depending on how long I wore it and how often I wore it, I was opening myself up to potentially damaging my body. I tried to lose weight in dozens of ways. I tried to eat all the right food and sometimes not eat any at all. I would work out constantly--some days two or three times a day. I would suck in my stomach 24/7 and I made sure no one saw me eat too much.
Shopping for clothes was the worst. I can’t count how many times I cried in a fitting room because I fell in love with a shirt that, no matter what size I got, it just wasn’t made for a girl my size. Or what about a pair of pants that fits perfectly at the bottom but just won’t button at the top? However, the worst thing to shop for was bathing suits, especially right before all the pools opened up. There was nothing worse than knowing everyone you have made plans with to go to the pools that summer are going to be wearing bikinis because they had the bikini bodies. Meanwhile, I am stuck wearing some one piece with ruffles to hide my rolls.
There was one particular swimsuit--it was colorful and really nice--that my mom loved and probably paid a pretty penny for it but, honestly… I hated it. I wore it but I hated it. I couldn’t tell her how much I hated it because I knew that would crush her and I would be seen as this super ungrateful kid that didn’t appreciate her mother for buying something new. You see, that year everyone got a two-piece bathing suit. My friends and I all talked about what kind of bikinis we wanted and mine, that year, was going to be a two-piece. And it was! Y’know, that colorful swimsuit that we were talking about earlier was a two piece. However, it was the kind of two-piece that resembled a tank top and came down to my bottoms which were shorts, like a tankini. It's not that I hated the bathing suit, it’s that I hated that I couldn’t get the two-piece that I wanted because my body wasn’t fit for it.
For years, I have struggled with hatred of my body and then, literally just at the very end of 2019, it hit me…
I was looking at Fashion Nova models and trying to figure out how it was going to look on me because it definitely was not going to look the way it does on her. I experienced watching men in public do double-takes at women with double D’s and a good-looking bottom, but not look at me once because of my body. What about hearing guys scrolling on Instagram and talking about this "bad ass chick" with an hourglass figure only wearing a tank top no bra and her derriere on the sink with just underwear? Not that I wanted to do that, but because I wanted a body like that. Who doesn’t?
And that is when it hit me: I am just not built to be skinny or have an hourglass figure and if I did I still would not show off my body the way some women do. I have now learned that my body is not changing the way I wanted it to and that is okay because it’s not about the body. That’s not the only thing I want people to see when they see me. If I don’t want people to see me for my body, then why care so much about its appearance?
I want people to see me for my mind and soul. I want them to feel the power of my words and see my smile. I want them to get to know me through me and not because of the size of my breasts or how round my ass is. I want people to understand that I have more to offer than just a pretty face and tiny waist.
I have a personality and a strong head on my shoulders. I am goal-oriented. I am going somewhere--and I am going somewhere far. Do you think I give a damn about fitting in a size 2 when I am on the road to success? I need you to look me in my eyes and not my boobs when I am talking to you. I need you to not think so sexually when you hear the words “body,” “thighs,” “butt,” “waist,” or “boobs” because not everything in life is about how sexy your body is.
To everyone reading this: the size and shape of your body doesn’t matter, so long as you’re comfortable and healthy. If you’re not comfortable, then change it however you’d like, or learn to love it. At the end of the day, no one has control of your actions or your feelings but you. If you want to gain some weight, then put on a few pounds; if you want to lose some weight, then shed a few. Do what you feel like to make you happy. I cannot stress enough about feeling comfortable in your own skin because, for 21 years, I was never happy about the way I looked. So, if you asked me (again): Do I ever look in a full body mirror and think that I am not pretty enough or think that I don't see what other people see when they call me beautiful?
Hell no! I am beautiful. I love my “thunder thighs,” my “long booty,” my “stomach pouch,” my “back rolls,”, my “flabby arms,” my “double chin,” and all of my “‘ew’-built body” (trust me those are not my words, but rather words I picked up over the years).
I love every single thing about my body because it is not about my body.
When I look in the mirror, I see happiness.
I see change.
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